United Kingdom switches from printing money to printing people.

January 15, 2016 0

Not content with enriching the top 0.01% via money printing the UK government has taken the radical step of beginning to cut into the 99.9% by simply printing people.

The move known internally as “Operation Mâché” was originally thought to be a children’s play scheme until a wikileaks cable exposed the short term plan to replace a third of active emergency services staff with cardboard cutouts. Plans were actioned over Christmas with less than subtle replacements strategically timed when most were simply too drunk to notice.

Monsanta patents Christmas trees

December 24, 2014 0

Ho-ho-holy crap you better get your wallet ready, as of 2015 Monsanta the Christmas enforcement wing of the worlds largest crop giant has secured patents […]

Your favourite party in 2015 is probably not what you think.

January 24, 2014 0

David Cameron assured those with fears that the system was open to abuse that every possible angle had been looked at.

“We’ve taken steps to ensure that only those who should be voting will have their vote count, we have a number of fail-safes and while I can’t go into too many specific details I can assure you that anyone who has ever clicked Like and commented on a photo expecting it to somehow move will have their vote expedited to the bin”

Hopefully there’s enough space in there for you too Dave.

Britcoin saga, banking sector warns Britons on bitcoin

January 17, 2014 0

We spoke to UK citizen Craig Pace who’d managed to pay for 5 bitcoins, first by queuing for 4 hours, he was then stripped and forced to cover himself in jam by government officials before entering a gladiatorial pit full of hungry lions, cold and dripping with coarse cut golden shred Craig stood clutching a smart phone and a wad full of cash, ready to make his desperate sprint to the dealing desk as an amphitheater full of bankers roared their vitriol and threw rotten vegetables in disgust.

Xbox one sales suspended amidst vibration white finger horror.

November 29, 2013 0

With our rich kinect feature set we simply hadn’t planned for such an uptake of our control pads, naturally we’re focusing on getting this fixed as soon as possible, so for our UK market we’re implementing an NHS direct APP into the Xbox one menu system that should be arriving next week for Gold subscribers, allowing you to get help and tips on suitable wrist exercises to alleviate blood flow, NHS direct has assured me these will be familiar and ‘second nature’ to Xbox users

Bale quits Real for Tottenham… To film man versus food 2.

October 31, 2013 0

Gareth joined by his two brothers Towel and Hay began filming the instant they landed at Heathrow; security was tight as holiday makers and press swarmed round the trio as they demolished the ‘golden triangle’ of McDonalds, KFC and Pizza Hut. Onlookers gasped in amazement at terminal 1 as Gareth come out on top, narrowly edging Towel on the final cheeseburger, in an out of breath and very brief victory speech the ex Real Madrid star gave a glimpse into why he left
“I got sick of the food, the diets, the lifestyle, there’s absolutely no pubs either, the place is totally outrageous boyo”

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