Xbox one sales suspended amidst vibration white finger horror.

First you had to wait forever for it to update, then you couldn’t use it to watch TV, and just when Microsoft looked to be making headway worldwide reports of exposure to the new control pad rumble “impulse triggers” causing gruesome vibration white finger have begun to surface over social media sites such as twitter, causing the global giant to immediately suspend all sales of the device.

Initial reports from America included further ill effects such as explosive diarrhea and poor sleep patterns, scientists however now suggest this is due to the ‘American Xbox gamer diet’ of excessive caffeine, sweeteners, high fructose corn syrup and disappointment, similar is expected of the Playstation 4 with both companies seemingly forgetting to release any proper games.

returns — Return to sender : Remaining stock on shelves is to be sent back for testing, eagerly awaited by a team of fat wobbly fingered Americans seemingly up to the ‘grueling’ task of extensive sitting down.
Photo : Microsoft

Head of Xbox UK Roland Butter said that the usage wasn’t quite what they were expecting,

“With our rich kinect feature set we simply hadn’t planned for such an uptake of our control pads, naturally we’re focusing on getting this fixed as soon as possible, so for our UK market we’re implementing an NHS direct APP into the Xbox one menu system that should be arriving next week for Gold subscribers, allowing you to get help and tips on suitable wrist exercises to alleviate blood flow, NHS direct has assured me these will be familiar and ‘second nature’ to Xbox users”

When probed on sans Gold members Roland spat and referred to them as ‘sub human scum’ needless to say the app is unlikely to be available for those unable or unwilling to pay.

NHS-Direct-007 — NHS direct staff (not all ginger) will be on standby as of next week for Gold members using the Xbox one NHS direct app. Photograph: NHS Direct

For many this is too little too late with upset die hard Xboxers looking to take action against the console giant by flat out refusing to play (except on weekends) until suitable replacements are supplied, this ‘strike action’ is akin to the 80s UK miners strikes (well, not really) but if you wish to join them they can be found at your local re-purposed miners welfare AKA Wetherspoons.

Whilst this is of course a satirical article, Vibration white finger / hand-arm vibration syndrome is very much real, and you can read about it here

@MilkmanHero